Mother's Day Connections Poignant, Painful for Families Living with Alzheimer's

5/6/2003

From: Elizabeth Wilson of the Alzheimer's Association, 312-335-4078 or elizabeth.wilson@alz.org

CHICAGO, May 6 -- This Sunday, mothers everywhere will open carefully selected greeting cards, be served a special breakfast in bed or given beautiful bouquets by the children who love them. For millions of families living with Alzheimer's disease, Mother's Day will most likely also include a range of emotions including sadness, confusion, fear, helplessness, guilt, anger, loneliness and melancholy. For most, the day will be both poignant and painful.

Kate: "I've tried, but can't remember the last time mom was able to respond to any of us on Mother's Day. I know we all made sure that several of us were there to 'celebrate' the day with her and Dad. After a while, it made no difference to her. But I knew it would hurt Dad if she didn't get presents and cards from everyone. I'd send a card, go for the weekend, hoping that somewhere in her soul she knew I was there. But mostly, over the past couple of years, I was there for Dad."

According to Jennie Ward Robinson, Ph.D., director of medical and scientific affairs at the Alzheimer's Association, "What makes coping with Mother's Day so difficult is that 'Mum is still present, but not really present!' "According to Robinson, these competing experiences challenge families to restructure their relationships and develop strategies for helping each other understand and recognize that these behaviors are symptomatic of the disease and not purposeful.

Martha: "Mother's Day is in honor of mothers, whether they know it or not, want it or not, like it or not, remember it or not. But for the child of a mother with Alzheimer's, it becomes the child's 'special day,' more than the mother's. Now when I hear people say things like 'Oh God, I have to remember to call my mother this weekend,' as if it were some condition of their probation, or something, I could scream. Do you know what it would mean to me to be able to call her, hear her voice, have her know it's me, answer in kind? She was so proud of being a mother, so proud of all of us. Memories are what we have left. We have them in the first place because of the mother she was, and they preserve the mother that she is, always, in our minds."

Research tells us that being knowledgeable of Alzheimer's symptoms and behaviors helps decrease the anxiety felt by those around the person with Alzheimer's disease. "Recognizing that not all family members may acknowledge the disease and its progression is imperative to the quality of the celebration," advises Robinson. "Engaging family discussions to recall and share memories of Mother maybe helpful in celebrating Mother's Day."

Michael: "It was hard being around Mom on Mother's Day 2001. I was remembering the last time she had spoken to me. A few years before, I was visiting her on a Sunday morning. I said, 'Good morning, Mother,' as I often did when I was a kid. She responded, 'Good morning, Michael.' I almost fell off my chair. It had been months since she had recognized me. I had never expected to hear her say my name again, but she said it perfectly clearly, in the tone she had used for years. I tried a follow-up question, but the moment had passed. Her next sentence was garbled. She never spoke my name again in her life. I never heard her say a coherent sentence to me again. Yet somehow that sentence connected. She had come out of her shell for just a minute-enough to show me that some shadow was still there, and still responded to me. I will treasure that moment forever." Strategies that may help families with mothers who have Alzheimer's disease include:

-- Focus on your family, love and hug them, and remember how important they are to you and to the mother. -- Turn to the support of friends who know your situation. -- Seek and use the support of your faith community. -- Do something meaningful for yourself. Plan an activity or event that you truly enjoy and that will bring you pleasure. Then, do it.

If the feelings and events are too difficult, seek professional help. The Alzheimer's Association 24 hour Contact Center is staffed with professional care consultants equipped to provide support and assistance. Call 800-272-3900, email at info@alz.org or visit the association's Web site http://www.alz.org for information, resources, programs and services in your area.

------ Editor's Note: To locate families in your area affected by Alzheimer's disease, call the Alzheimer's Association Media Relations Department at 312-335-4078.