K-State Expert Gives Tips for Talking to Parents about Aging

5/7/2004

From: Gayle Appel Doll of Kansas State University, 785-532-5945 or gdoll@k-state.edu

MANHATTAN, Kan., May 7 -- As children we relied on our mothers to care for us in our time of need, whether we were sick with the chicken pox or just needed an ear to listen. But many adults are now finding themselves in a reverse role -- acting as the caregiver for their own mother.

Gayle Appel Doll, research assistant professor for the Galicia Center on Aging at Kansas State University, said it can be difficult for people to accept how aging affects their parents.

"The role has reversed and children have to view their parents in a different light," Doll said. "No one wants to do that."

But many adults are forced to face the reality that as their parents age, they may require extra care.

Doll said there are signs to look for to gauge whether a parent needs extra care. These include: no longer being able to perform on the job; getting lost easily; experiencing difficulty in recognizing familiar people; and having trouble paying bills. If activities in daily life such as eating, dressing, grooming, walking, bathing, going to the bathroom or getting out of a chair become troublesome, it puts the person at a higher risk of institutionalization as well.

"Sometimes people think it's wrong to put a person in a nursing home, but it's best if you can't take care of them yourself," Doll said. "There's a greater risk of abuse if a person can't handle it."

However, there are several alternatives to nursing home care. A new concept for children at a distance from their parent is a geriatric care manager. This is a trained professional who acts as an advocate for the parent by making doctor appointments, organizing medication and arranging any special care the person may require.

If a child does decide to bring their parent to live with them, there are services in place to make the experience easier. For those in an urban area, there are places the child can leave the parent for a few hours to receive respite care. This allows the caregiver a few hours to run errands or go to work without worrying about their parent being left alone.

It's important for caregivers to have a support network of people going through similar experiences, Doll said. Online chat rooms and local support groups are good resources for finding people who also find themselves in the care-giving role.

While it may be difficult for children to approach their parents with the concerns about aging, it's important to be honest, Doll said. The method used to approach them should be personalized to the individual.

"There is more diversity in the 80 to 85 age cohort than any other. When approaching them, take into account personality, life history and the person's individual needs," Doll said.

She recommends sitting down with a parent and reviewing the events of the past year, both the good and the bad. Then look at the coming year and set goals to compensate for those losses. For many aging adults, the loss of a spouse, family member or friend can be the most difficult.

Conversations about death are often more difficult for the child than the parent, Doll said.

"The older a person gets, the less they fear death," she said.